Before you feel extremely bad for me, let me reassure you that the "grave" in question was not a human grave. Now onto our story.
First year of Grad School - more precisely Film School, we were shooting in a property within the SCARRY, CREEPY, BUTT FU** EGYPT LOCATION that is the Los Angeles Forest. If you guys have never been to the L.A forest, well let me tell you, that place is no question the epicenter for mysterious drug deals, mafia killings, body dumpings, ghosts, freaks, white trash couples (yup they exist in LA), hippies (the bad kind), nuclear cloud victims (or something like that...) wolfes, coyotes, mummies, probably zombies and other monsters.
Why did we film there you may ask? Well we were shooting a "horror-themed" short and part of the film took place in a forest-like setting. Thusly, we were ideally looking for a "piece of forest" in a private property so we wouldn't have to endure the horrible fees that come with public areas like: a park ranger, a security guard, mandatory [ready to extinguish] water truck because of the infamous California brush fires etc... Several past students had shot in this "student-film-friendly" property before, so we thought... it's our turn now - might as well! This couple, whom shall remain nameless, owned the property and were famous for offering their grounds for film shoots in exchange for manual labor. In other words, if you did not have the "cash" to fork over for the rental fee, you could work off "your debt" on the property like a medieval time serf. In our case, we actually paid 60% of the rental fee and agreed to work off the rest. Seemed simple, straight forward, and the only option considering our meager budget. What can a little weeding and painting do to me? Thusly, after scouting the location prior to the shoot we agree to do the work on the property after the shoot. The owners were very excited to have yet another dynamic student film on their grounds. So excited, that *Bethany*, one of the owners decided to tell me about the surgery she just had and that being around during the shoot will "relax" her. Okay, great Bethany, so happy to hear that! Oh wait, you want to show me the scar you obtained because of the operation? No... that's okay I really don't need to see that, no really... or you are showing it to me anyway...Oh that's quite umn... BARF. I dont know how to describe it guys, and maybe I should not, but let's just say that it looked like she had a puss-formed umbilical cordon as a scar coming out of her stomach... Freak.
We were scheduled to shoot on the infamous LA Forest property which I shall rename "Melody Rivers" for ONE 12-hour day. Mind you that in order to get yourself to the location, you must drive a dangerous curvy road up the mountain for about 30 minutes. Driving it at 5am in the morning for a 6am call time, is NOT very calming, especially alone. Fast-forward to prep, which of course is never rapid after you ask your unpaid crew to drive 55 miles "within" the allotted TMZ (no, not the show....but the 30 mile zone) to a ghost mountain. After getting first shot, we are finally up to a good start. Things are going well, we are moving right along. ALL OF A SUDDEN, a crazy music start raging out of nowhere. 1. Where the hell is it coming from? 2. Its messing with our sound. Being a producer is all about putting out "fires", and QUICKLY. I run to the owner who had guaranteed me the "serene" forest look, feel and sound of her location. This music must stop, after all its not part of my "contractual package" for this location and we can't go on with our day like this. She sighs as soon as I tell her about what's going on. She knows EXACTLY what the problem is but does not seem very surprised, nor concerned for the continuation of our production. She remains sitted in her rocking chair as she lets me in on what "our" next move shall be.
Owner: You see, the music is probably coming from my neighbor...
me: but your neighbor's house is not for like half a mile from here... the music is a lot closer than that!
Owner: yeah... it's definitely him. You see he is crazy. Like actually crazy, he's schizophrenic and hates everyone. He hates movie shoots. and I guess today he decided to sabotage your shoot. That's how it is here... [go figure]
me: well can you please call him and tell him to turn down his music?
Owner: Like I said, he hates me... If I call, he'll just turn it up to be spiteful.
me: Okay, then I'll call him.
Owner: I erased his phone number.
me: Well I'll go over there myself
Owner: You won't find him, he is probably roaming around his side of the woods with a boom box.
me: This simply won't do, I need a solution NOW.
Owner: Well he's very much into "favors", so there's a few things that can be done for him and he'll probably cut it out.
me: Great! how fast can you do him a "favor". (At this point, I am so angry and frustrated that I am not realizing that this is just getting weirder and weirder)
At this point, the owner gets up. I'm finally feeling like things are going to get back in order. Phhhewwww. And as I start to walk back to our base camp...The owner comes back with a suit that resembles the one of a janitor and a beekeeper, a giant trash bag...and a shovel. As perplexed as I look she says:
Owner: Wear this so the smell does not bother you, and if you need a different shovel, we have plenty more in the back.
me: [Absolutely no words come out of my mouth. I am THAT confused and FREAKED out.]
Owner: So about a 5 minute walk from the river towards the right, is the beginning of his [the neighbor's] property. By mistake we buried an old dog there ... well maybe not by mistake...I forget if whether it was on purpose or not... [she stops to think]...well anyway, he's really mad about that, because it was not buried properly and the smell is just awful. He says it reeks ways into his property. So SIMPLE, dig up the body and just put it in this bag and, I'll let him know we took care of it, and that will be the end of your problem!
me: Hold on, Did I get this right? You would like me to go and dig up a dead dog?
Owner: It's the only way! Aren't you the producer? Just get a grip to do it if you have to be back on set.
me: Everyone needs to be on set.
Owner: Well stop production for a second and get this done.
me: There must be something else we can do...
Owner: Nope. That's it and I was pretty nice to give you this great solution. I only did it because I like you, otherwise I would have just told you "oh well".
At this moment, the SNL Week End Update segment "Really!? With Seth & Amy" flashes in my head. I mean REALLY!? Did I hear you right? You would like me or someone from my crew to excavate a grave? REALLY???? REALLY???!?!?!?
For about 10 seconds I thought - horrified - about what it would be like to walk over to the site with my beekeeper suit and dig up the carcasse of that poor dog. And after about 11 seconds I looked at the owner straight in the eye and told her that she could go ahead and call her neighbor to turn off the music. Within 15 minutes the music went down (she erased his number my A**).
I avoided the owner for the rest of the day and she never dared asked me what I did with the carcasse. She can think whatever she wants. But what really happened is that I never stepped anywhere close to that grave, and no one else did. No one dug up anything, no one went on a graveyard shift, literally. I guess sometimes problems tend to solve themselves.
After the shoot, I went back to Melody rivers with my team in order to "work off" our rental fee debt. What the owner asked us to do on that day was definitely not as bad as the excavation but it was definitely not the most normal tasks in the world either. From cleaning her disgusting and ancient fridge, to repainting a room with no windows that stunk as bad as what that dog grave must have smelled like, to other really weird sh*t. But you know what, that's for another tale, for another day.
Until then, hope you enjoyed this ridiculous true story in the life of a young film producer.
That's a wrap!
